A Venting Session

I am now three days late. But wait, don't get excited. I'm not pregnant. Two home pregnancy tests and a blood test have confirmed that.

No, I did not test too soon. My ovulation was timed. After taking the drug, Ovidrel, there is a 24-40 hour window for ovulation to occur.

So my two options are that either the Ovidrel failed and I didn't ovulate OR I have a luteal cyst (10% of women on clomiphene develop these). My infertility doctor's office called me with the results from the blood test, "negative. Call with your period." I am devastated, but mostly I am frustrated.

Call with your period? Don't you think we should determine what's going on? If I have a cyst I'd like to know for sure. If the Ovidrel didn't work, I'd like to know if there's something else we should try next time. Oh, and by the way, if it IS a cyst I probably should lay of the Clomid for a month or two. I know my doctor has the expertise here, but I'm the one walking around every day feeling these symptoms that are easily misconstrued as pregnancy symptoms, i.e. bloating, cramping, tender breasts, a "heavy" feeling in the lower abdomen, a LATE period, etc... I felt things I'd never felt before and then my period was late. Imagine my hope followed by my sadness when I'm told that no, I'm not pregnant. But still, I have to feel all of these sensations without any sign of my period. I want to KNOW what's going on inside my body! I don't want to "call with [my] period." I want you to consult with me and maybe do an ultrasound to verify that there is a cyst or that the ovidrel didn't work. And by the way, I only know that these are my two possibilities after doing some research. No one has given me the courtesy of offering me the possibilities. I've had to find them on my own - otherwise, I'd just be sitting around twiddling my thumbs waiting for the period to start.

And another point of frustration for me is that I have told three doctors now that I regularly feel an intense pain in the days before my period. "oh, that's just ovulation pain." No, you're not hearing me. The DAYS before my period. NOT the week of ovulation. It's an intesne, burning sensation that feels like the worst gas. It wakes me in the middle of the night from a sound sleep. My only relief is a hot bath to relieve my cramping muscles, waiting for the pain to subside which can take anywhere from 20 minutes to an hour. Then, even after it's gone it usually comes back off an on for a few days. From what I've researched, this is likely recurring cysts, which has nothing to do with my infertility or anything. I'm just pissed that I'm not listened to in regard to MY body.

So. Back to my current predicament. If it is a luteal cyst, it's releasing progesterone which is causing my body to not have a period. No worries, these cysts usually resolve themselves. IN 1-2 MONTHS!!!
Well hold your breath, infertility clinic. You won't be hearing from me for a month or so. Lovely. I am just ecstatic about this daily reminder or how, yet again, my body is letting me down.

Fuck it.

I am so over trying to have a baby at this point. I am done. I do not want to do this anymore. Every month, it gets harder and harder to recover from the disappointment. The last few weeks, it's been all I can do to get out of bed in the morning. And once I do get started, all I look forward to is getting into my hot bath at night followed by bed. I am reading books constantly just to shut off my brain for awhile. I am going through the motions at work, though I dearly love the little girl I nanny. I take care of her, I play with her, but I keep my distance because it's too hard and I don't know if I'll break down when she needs me to comfort her. Every time she wakes up too soon and I have to go in and rock her, it is the best and worst part of my day. It is a painful reminder of what I do not have and may never have. I'm holding this sweet little girl and she's resting her head on my shoulder, clutching my hair, breathing her baby breaths and I'm having to fight back tears that I may never have my own kid. I love this little girl, but no matter what, I am her nanny, not her mother. And I want to be someone's mother.

I am just so sad. And so tired.

Multi-Tasking

I am terrible - TERRIBLE -at multi-tasking. Give me one thing to focus on, thank you very much. Sadly, that's not how life works and when I try to do things my way, I end up behind and feeling very bad about it all. One thing I'm awesome at is time management so I'm trying to schedule all of the things that need my attention into blocks of manageable time so that nothing gets left out and so I don't get left behind.

1. Me - Schedule regularly

• Manicure/Pedicure - Once per month (First Monday)
• Waxing - Once per month (Second Monday)
• Threading - Once per month (Third Monday)
• Haircut - Once per month (Fourth Monday)
• Hair Coloring - Once per three months

2. Daily Me

• Style hair
• Makeup
• Wash and moisturize skin at night

3. Home

• Thoroughly Clean One Room Per Day
• If Something Has a Place Where It Belongs, PUT IT AWAY (each night before bed, make a tour of house to put things up)
• Stick to my new schedule

4. Diet & Exercise

• Get back on our Low Glycemic Index way of eating.
• 30-40 minutes per day of physical activity (7 - 8 a.m. each day)
• Specific meal planning (Sunday evening)

5. Singing

• 30-40 minutes per day of studying music and singing (11-12)